What has been....will be again

So, the news is not good. No, it was downright NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!!!!!!!!!

I am so frustrated! Did my body do something wrong? Did I somehow fail at this? Why is it that it did not take? Was it the embryo's? Was it the medical protocol? So much is different and I'm ultimately as sad as sad can be right now!

They read me the results over the phone and I just started balling! When you begin a journey such as this, you can't help but get attached to the couple you are trying for. Every bump is a huge bump, because it isn't just yourself you are worrying for. You take on the emotions and wants and desire of the couple you are trying to help. So much is riding on each try and so many hopes and dreams are seemingly shattered in an instant! As soon as you hear the word "negative", you lose it! You can't help but think you did something wrong.

I'm sure my IP's are wondering all the same questions I am, and they are wondering if it was me, or wondering if it was them. I don't have the answers!

I so did not want to be the bearer of any bad news to my IP's, but with wanting to tell them the positives....I have to be willing to accept the telling them the negatives!

I thought I had pulled myself together composure wise enough to tell my IM. Then I called her, and I again lost it! I almost couldn't even say the words! I just sat there crying! I don't know the right words to tell her! This is a big deal for them, and me too, but this is their dream on the line. In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if their baby is born or conceived a few months later? No, I suppose not, but this is a big deal when you are going through this and quite frankly, nobody wants to hear that stuff at a time like this! No one wants to hear, "Oh, but they know how to stimulate her now, so it will work soon." No, I don't want to hear that! I wanted to hear it WORKED dang it! I want to hear, "oh, I'm sorry Mrs. ___, we mixed up your blood with someone elses"....or..."I'm sorry, we read the wrong results." I want it to be fixed somehow, I want it MY WAY dang it to heck!

Sadly, those are not the words that are going to come. The blood level was less than .1, which is very negative!

The emotions all hit very much straight to the heart when I had to make that phone call to my IM and share with her, that it did not work. I'm sure she was as shocked as I was to get the call, and I left her with both of us sobbing on the phone and for her to have to call her hubby to let him know. I pray the strength will come to her because I know it took all I had in me to find the comfort to call her, and then I lost it again when she spoke.

Whoever said life was easy was wrong! I was told to go to the Word and seek out Him right now. To open my Bible and let God direct and talk to me. So, while still letting my friend console me, I opened the Word up without even looking at where I was grabbing and when I looked down, the first verse was, "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again;there is nothing new under the sun." Ecclesiastes 1:9

And when I read it further, and further, in Ecclesiasted 3:1 it says, " There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heaven."

I do not pretend to know why this did not work this time. I know everything can be exactly perfect and right and it still not work, but man, this bites for sure! I know there will be another try and I know I'll get pregnant for them. God told me so just a little bit ago. He told me what has been, will be again, so I know I will do this for them, and I pray it's sooner than later! I don't think I could bear this kind of news again! How do couples with fertility issues do this? They are stronger than I.

Please say a prayer for my couple. I know I'll be fine, my God is my comfort, and I know He is holding me up today, but this is going to be a very difficult day for my couple. This was all so exciting and our hopes were so high. HAving the slight positive test on Sunday really had our hopes all up and now I feel tremendous guilt for having done one of those tests at all. *sigh* I somehow contributed to their pain today on so many fronts, and for that, I am sad...but for them, they are even sadder! Please pray for them and pray for strength for them!

Until next time!