Seeking Healing and Answers

Today is a day of healing! I am feeling better today!

My eyes are no longer burning from all the crying! I think I sucked all the moisture right on out of them! :( But, today is a new day and today we all begin to heal. We have no choice but to accept the event as they are. We have no choice but to make sure we learn from this last cycle and move forward and look forward to a new successful cycle.

My IM emailed me and told me they have a phone consultation with the RE's office on Tuesday! She asked if I would like to be a part of that conversation. I thought that was extremely sweet of them to offer. Not all IP's would want that. That just shows me....yet again....how wonderful and sweet this couple is. They are going to make such awesome parents.

I have questions for the RE's office on the medical protocol he used during this cycle. I don't understand why he didn't have me on certain meds. Certain meds I have always been told are essential to the success of a cycle with IVF (invitro fertilization). One of them is a very low dose steroid which would prevent my body from rejecting the embryo's as a foreign object inside my body. To me, I have never ever known a surrogate who hasn't been on this. But I was told, "it's not in his protocol," when I asked why I didn't have it. Now, normally, I would just accept this, but guess what? I had excrutiating cramping a couple times during our two week wait! At first, I thought the cramping was good, I thought it was implantation. Then I thought, HOLY COW, this is more intense....to which I then thought, "OH MY GORSH....what if ALL THREE were implanting?" I began to think of all the possibilities.

Maybe I'm just looking for some kind of answer to why it didn't take when everything looked so good, but what I think happened??? Not that you asked my opinion, but I'm giving it freely anyway...so, what I think happened was that intense cramping I was feeling? I think it was my uterus revolting and attacking those embryo's as foreign objects. Why else would I have that kind of cramping? My body has never been through a cycle without the help of a drug that would prevent me from attacking those embryo's!

And the other thing that doesn't make sense to me? I had this bright red bleed on Tuesday night. I wasn't doing anything stenuous, nothing at all, and yet, there I was bleeding. On Wednesday, it had drastically slowed down, but still enough to make me wear a pad during the day, and then I got the negative test results. My hormone levels were also taken and my progesterone and estrogen levels were beautiful. They were exactly where they should have been. And I was then ordered to stop all meds as of last night! So, last night was my first ever missed shot! And I didn't take my baby aspirin either. I should then be expected to start my period within 7-10 days. But....guess what? The bleeding began to increase last night and has continued just like a regular period today. Not only that, but it was bad enough today to have me take a Pamprin.....which I am now allowed to take...but couldn't before! Not a good drug folks if you are trying to get pregnant or pregnant! BAD ....don't take it if you are pg!

So what the heck is up with that? Now I have yet another question for that doctor! What on earth would make me begin bleeding on Tuesday night and continue as if it were my period and so soon after the cycle? With all the drugs I was on, and with my hormone levels where they were....what on earth would make this happen? How could it happen??

This weekend I am forgetting about this surrogacy! My IM emailed and she and hubby are doing the same. Next week though, we will pick up where we left off and begin the process again with our feet on the ground and all mourning behind us. Well, maybe not ALL of it, but most of it, and we can begin to seek out answers from the doc that will hopefully result in a successful SECOND transfer! YEEEEEEEEEE HAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a cowprint clown costume to make! I'm clowning tomorrow at Chick-fil-A for their second annual cow appreciation day! I am not joking! I'll have to send pics tomorrow when I'm in this super cute costume!

((HUGS))
Until we meet again!